Sunday, September 9, 2012

June 2009: The beginning......

I wish I could remember the exact date. It was sometime early in June of 2009. It was just an ordinary night, with my husband and I watching t.v. in bed before going to sleep. My 19 year old daughter CJ, who was living at home at the time, showed up in our bedroom looking nervous. Her older sister, who didn't live with us anymore, was with her. I thought that was weird. I didn't expect my oldest daughter to stop by that night.  I later learned that she was there for moral support. CJ sat down in our bedroom and told us she needed to talk to us. By the way she was talking and acting I knew it was a serious matter. I didn't know that the words I was about to hear would change our family's life forever.

 CJ rambled on for a little bit. I can't really remember what words came before, because the words "I'm pregnant" are all I really remember. My husband claims I gave an audible gasp. We both sat in silence for a moment, taking it in. I wanted to think I'd heard her wrong, but I knew I hadn't. I guess I shouldn't have been too shocked.  I had been very worried about her and the way she was living her life for a long time. She was acting out, in the opposite way of how she had been taught and raised. She seemed to be taking risks and associating herself with questionable people. But even so, I was surprised. I guess I really never expected it to happen to her or to our family.

I could see how scared and worried she was. The next thing she told us was that she was going to place the baby for adoption. She said she'd already decided. I was actually proud of her at that moment, realizing that even though she had made mistakes, she was trying to be mature and responsible. Our church encourages young girls to choose adoption if marriage to the father is not an option, so of course I was supportive of that idea. My husband and I immediately told her we loved her, and that we would support her. There was no anger or yelling (as I think she expected). There was no reason to yell or punish. We knew that what she was going through would probably be the hardest trial of her life. I couldn't sleep that night thinking of everything my daughter was going to have to face now. I knew her life was never going to be the same. I was so scared for her.

Ironically, it turned out to be an even more memorable week for our family. Our oldest daughter, became engaged that same week. We needed some happy news! I needed something to take my mind off the pregnancy and adoption.

But even that good news did not keep me from feeling the affects of CJ's announcement. I remember feeling like my whole body was heavy. I felt unfocused. I guess I was kind of in shock for a while.

We started managing the "stuff" that needed to be done, not letting ourselves think too much about the adoption yet. We did things like making the OB appointment, and getting her started with our church's adoption agency. In a small way the actions took our minds off the future and what we were all going to have to face.

It turned out that CJ was actually 4 months pregnant that night she told us. She had known for over 3 months and didn't dare tell us. She was so scared, and lost, and basically alone all that time. That makes my heart ache. But now that I knew, I wanted to make this tough thing as easy as possible for her. I was determined to be by her side all the way.

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